Remember ME

Baba 2 days back, i got a dream.. i got a dream that u r back in my life.... And u wanted your WILL to be changed and i was sitting in ur office and doing the req changes.... Baba, I did not see you in the dream, i want to see you baba....... even if it is in my dreams....... Why dont i see you?? Whats happening baba?

I just saw the movie Remember ME... and baba, in the movie he writes on the book and i write to you in net........ I miss talking to you like crazy.. i can give my life for getting things to how they were ..,, what have you done to me baba, the most intense desire that ever exists now is to see you , talk to you............. are u atleast watching me from somewhere? Do you know howmuch pain i am into?? If u knew, u wud be here.. i know.. I know i lost you forever.. but i never thought you would give up on me so sooon...!!

When i sit on my bed, i think of so many things to write to you.. when i come to write, i only become a cry baby... i want you so desperately baba i cant tell you... you can never imagine i can get so weak..... i am not the one you left.. i am not as strong as u think i am..

After u have been declared dead baba, i did not cry.. not even once.. not even when your body was taken away.. Not even when shiva refused to write his law exams....... i was strong then baba.... i was the pillar..... i wanted to be a pillar for brothers and mom.. I thought ill never ever make them feel ur absence....... i will be there whenever it is needed.... But more than them now baba, i need a pillar....... i need you....

i need more time with my father.....i havent told you a lot of things about rohit... Last time we both cooked for rohit baba, i did not do what u wanted to do, Both of us still owe paneer tikka to rohit........ I owe a kasi trip to you.......... We owe shiva jaya our time.......... we promised jaya a lot of things........

Teju had always been protected by u me and mom.......... now with both of us gone, Mom being sensitive and vulnerable, Teju has become the pillar at home....... he is still a kid...... I want to be there.. but i cant........ do u understand how many mixed feelings i am going thru.......

And Do u know i am all ALONE here????????

Its like you are there but u r still not really here..........!!! This pain is just tooo real...

Time..... Doesnt Heal.....

They say Time heals........ Whoever told tht, it doesnt........ Ive started becoming too much desperate to see you.... U must have been seeing from up there, i hardly sleep..... i am always thinking and waiting when will i see you..... And you know i will not rest till i see you... I still dnt understand the concept of DEATH...... anyways i am going home soon baba... 5th night i leave..... i am trying to study but just not happening..... half my concentration is on what will i tell you if i ever get to meet you again..!!

i would cry out of joy first baba if i meet you..... i dont know, there would be so many things to tell you but the very first word i think i would say is THANK you for being back, i needed you.~~ !

Silence

Baba, My silence over your absence is not acceptance.. it is denial.. How dare you leave me alone and go? I dare you baba, if i would have left this world before you, You wouldnt have the strength and reason to go on.. well probably shiva n jaya could have kept you going ..... They are my only reason to be sane..... Only reason to work hard...... Only and only reason to be here..!! Otherwise may be i would have left everything baba......... i would have given up everythng and gone to a place waiting for my call to come from you... I need to hear from you to have some peace in my life... You know i cannot live without you... Even after u were 55 you could not take your mother's departure.. At 25 how do u want me to take my fathers absence???

I Held your hand all through these years....

Baba, Teju got thru COGNIZANT... I dont know what would you say if you were here..! But i am not excited...... i am of course very happy that he has grown up so much and he is taking up the responsibilities.... More than anything baba, i want him to finish his education.. I wish i was working now....... I wish i could have taken care of things..... i wish i understood when u said dont quit...... i wish u cud understand how much i hated my job and stay back for me.. Just to see shiva attend a moot court, just to see Teju going to work, Just to see jaya get into a professional course... Just to see me get married... Just And ......

You were always insistent on me not leaving my job, when i asked you why do u want me to work in a plce i hate the most.. You always said, u will know soon.. Did u know then that u were gonna leave us and go???

I am so tired of being here baba.... I am tired of living without you... I am tired of longing for u....

Longing ...

longing to be with brothers and mom,......... Why should life change so much? I know you will not come and be with me at any cost.... but why am i deprived of being home with everyone else..... When i go, shiva wont be there....... Why should Teju and Jaya and Amma take the pains of staying in the empty house .... What is more easier? Staying back home and taking care of things or moving out of the house and studying??????

Things were simple na baba, i should have just stayed bck and worked.... But your brother coaxed me into the difficult path....... of course,, What is life without these difficulties...... One day baba, ill write to you...... ill write to you that we survived the emptiness and we came out of it wounded, scarred........ Scarred for the rest of our lives./.... The day i get a job here, i am gonna cry out loud....... cry out so loud that wherever you are, you would be able to hear me.....!! ! Look out baba.... am not gonna leave you till i know my words are reaching you..!!

Yaadien!!

baba, there is not a second i feel your absence... it always eating me inside... But baba they say good memories stay with you forever even after the person leaves... why does only the memories of losing you come to me? Why does it still haunt me baba?? I cannot think of anything else when i see your pictures or when i think of you.. That day where i took you to hospital and within less than 24 hrs i got you back home... That day where i took you alive and brought you back dead..!! That only 24 hrs where doctors were only running around and coming and giving us bits and pieces of news.. That day baba, where the doctor called teju and me inside and said its over.. take care of your mom...!! That day baba, where i drove Your elder brother all the way down without telling him a word about you.. That day in the car where i could not cry so that pedda baba will get scared... That day baba, where i was scared to death to break the news to shiva and jaya... That day where i could not look into brothers eyes.. That one last day you were home, That last drive of ours in ambulance.. That last day where i put my hand in yours but you could not hold me back...!! That last words of yours....... That last birthday of mine with you....!!! That last smile of yours !!!!

Baba, i find it impossible to go on without you.......... You gotto do something.. And Mind you, Nothing and no one else can replace you !! So before you send somebody to help me out, Think... My need is only and only you... And i want you and nobody else !!

19th May - 19th Sept

4 months since that day baba.......... Still memories so fresh....... Everytime 19th comes, i try and ignore what happened..... But our lives changed so much after May 19th and i cannot just forget things..! Everything and every feeling of those 2 days in May are still within me. It cuts through the heart and by 5:49 on 20th of May i knew you were gone...... i knew the fear i had from the bottom of my stomach...... i knew life is gonna change........ i knew what would u say if u were there with me then....................

I remember baba, you always tell me that if i cry i bring you bad luck... probably the first time fear was catchin up with me that day.. And i cried....... i see you sitting in the ICU and telling me i am absolutely alright Bhargav.....but i cried looking at you.. I knew you were not alright as u said and i could not stand it..!! I cried and i lost you ..!!

The journey of these 4 months were both up's and down's.. Am carrying on with my life baba, but i am not myself...... i m totally energetic and laughing around.. Back to being a student.. End of the day, i am not happpy..!! I will never be happy without u..... This will always come to haunt me baba, that you have left me abruptly and there are so many things undone and unsaid........ So many promises to be kept......! So many things to be seen together !!

I will never forgive the god sitting there,. you are not supposed to be gone........ Please Look after Jaya baba, i am very worried for him.. Help mom find someone for upstairs.. Help us to live !!!!

Please appear atleast once in my life........ if only in my dreams but allow me a last glance......

Our last ride in the ambulance and our last conv in the hospital haunt me baba....... these memories never leaves me alone.. NEVER !

Living in the Past..!!!

Baba, For a Very brief moment i want to stop living, i want to see you and talk to you.. I want to live in a world you exist......!! Just for one brief moment..!! I am feeling so helpless at the emptiness in our lives...! I cannot do anything...

Whats the point baba in being there for mom and brothers when the dust settles.?

Why did i get thru the MBA and why did u leave me once i got thru?

When will i ever get rid of my guilt conscious of letting you go? Was i not responsible?

Would you not come and tell me "Dont Bother Bhargav, i am there..I will take care"

This insecurity all of us are living with, No one can help us out of it except you baba,...

Vijay baba and Chinna baba are trying their best.. Whenever i talk to them, it reminds me of the possibility of you being there and you asking me how i am..

Whenever the food is bad, i remember the days where u used to stop eating......

Whenever i go out in Pratik's car baba, i remember driving you around in Hyd..

Why should life change so much?

Inspite of knowing everything baba, i am still not done away with the pain..!!

I hate to admit that i am still there without u..!!

Baba i miss the person who left me in a dead end with the car and just said bring it back without even asking if i know driving or not....!

I miss the person who used to pat me on the back always when i come home,

I miss the person who used to wait for to have dinner adn always and always stand by me

I miss the person who accepted Rohit without even meeting him just for the fact that he trusted me beyond anything else.!!!

I miss the person who used to miss me when i am not home....

I miss the person to whom i could say everything that is happening with brothers and take the advice on what to talk with them..

I miss the person who can give guidance and who insists on me writing Civil Services.! I miss everything about you baba....... Please take me along.. Jus for a moment though.. But please ... I have never been so lonely in my life..!!

CHINNA BABA

Hi Baba,

It has been long i wrote to you... Baba, i have been tryin hard not to think of you :( I hate to admit it but i consciously tried not to take my thoughts to you.... Today Chinna Baba had called me..... it just reminds of all those possibilities where u cud have called me and spoke the way chinna baba did almost every day ... Baba i have nothing new to tell you.. U already know that a part of me is with you and i miss u dearly .....

And yet another month passed off without you and this month teju is applying for companies and i miss being there for him.!!

People around, will write more in detail when i have the privacy of crying :D

love you !

Shiva !!

Baba, i just happened to see shiva's pics.. Thank you for being with him.. I can see that, he is working like he has total focus and also he is looking like a future Lawyer.. You would have been very proud of him if you would be here seeing him.......!! I feel extremely happy looking at him baba...! He gives me solace and peace at times....!! I am very worried for Jaya.. same like how you used to be.... Be with him and help him .. show him a direction too......!!

i cant wait to get back to Hyderabad..... Again like i told you, i am away from you.... i know you are in Gandhinagar as you have never come out of that area all your life.... Gandhinagar feels like i am around you baba !! I would never want to leave that place and go. But....... is that possible? I do not want my life to move on...... i do not want to accept that fact...... i do not want a lot of things. but would always life go like i what i want?

Yesterday had been to Lalbaug.. They say watever u ask there comes true... but i want you back. Who can get that wish true??// I guess not even that lalbaug ganapati.. hence came back in between, did not visit the ganesh ! !

Na Jaane kyu yeh hota hai zindagi ke saath ...

Baba, Was this a right decision? I am scared... i am very scared....Whenever i sit, i think i should be here with amma.... Working and helping everything here....... That day baba after u left us, Chinna baba had scolded me for saying i wont join MBA.. ! He said he was my baba too and i shouldnt be doing anything stupid unless i show him a job which pays equivalent to a job which i get after my MBA........ I did not want to hurt him then and i thought if u were there, you would not cross a line drawn by your brothers.... out of that respect i agreed to go for my MBA baba...! Now i am very scared.... how are we going to manage finances? And this big house without you..!! Feels empty without you.. I am not able to look into your eyes.. i meant in your pictures.. Feels like i am doing something really wrong.. Of all the things i am living with the guilt conscious that i have neglected your health in the ending thinking that you are taking care of yourself and i should not force you into anything......i repent that baba.......... i should have done things like how i always do........ i feel extremely guilty for going out on my birthday ! And now of leavng my job...

Every small thing seems so difficult baba after you....... Its not that i did not realize it would be like this.. but baba after u left us, lot of things changed.... Lot of people changed...... who we thought were our well wishers dint turn out to be one.. Baba one thing is for sure,.. We have got a veryy good family..... I am glad i am born in this family.. everyone are so supportive. Its true baba.. in the times of Pain, only the family stands by you.......! And The hole i was talking about now became numb to the pain...... There is that hole, but the pain is not being felt.... i am afraid ill get used to living without you.. i dont want to get used to it baba.. i hate it .. living without you.. But .. This god damn life still is going on ! :(

Sometimes we have to be broken so we can be whole again.!

I am Back home, Feels secure., nice and heaven like.... Feels like you are around me. Wherever i go i see you....!! Every moment me and brothers talk, you are there.. Everyone of us here are thinking on what would you say if you would be there .............. i miss this there in Mumbai baba.. I feel at mumbai i m going away from you.. very far.. You are very distant from me kinda..!!!