Dear Baba

Dear Baba,
What is happening with me? why am i always pulled between two directions.... Would there ever be peace in my life? i do try to search for it a lot baba... it just does not come to me.....! Everything has to be difficult for me, Why? Doing an MBA meant losing you........ Now what would gettng a job mean? All the words you told me baba still echo..... i shd have heeded to ur advice.. Pls come back once for me and tell me what to do now! I dint think this would happen baba.... right now i am scared...... meeru annadi nijangaane ayite ela ani! i feel that i have let u down big time! you have given me a responsibility and i have let u down ! i am tired fighting with life baba.....i am tired of tryn to be happy! i am not....... i am away from home for what reason i dont know..... i thought doing an MBA would give me a better life, it would equip me to handle all the financial hurdles that would come in the future! But its takin more than what it is givng me..... !!
 wht am i doing here i still dunno....!! I feel like giving up everything and run back home...... run back to you........ i sometimes think i have suicidal tendencies... i do not wanna b here without you....!! But at the same time i know that brothers are very much to be taken care of .......where have u left me baba...... Why did u do this?

If this is the price i pay for it, So be it!

:( 

Whats written for me now?

Baba, this is one of the toughest times i am facing. Definitely nothing tougher than surviving your death. But this uncertainity, fear of unknown and fear a bleak future is eating me off. Fear of not living upto the expectations also is killing me! Please baba, send a solution fast! Please! You have got me till here, Please take me through this also without much pain !

Baba..

How i wish you were there... How i wish you visited me at Mumbai....! Today mom was asking me what would i do if you came to Mumbai.. probably baba i would not leave you at all..... i would pick you up from airport, come to court and be there all the time with you.. Mee gundelu meeda kaalu petti leka mee meesalu peeke enni rojulu ayyindi baba ! Everyone knows how close i am and everyone thinks i am very strong baba.. Except you and me for now, no one knows..... No one knows what it is to live like this.. Living is something you also dont know now ! you did not have to live long without your mom and dad baba..! i do the same things u used to do... U told me once, whenever you get reminded of your mom, u meditate.. u say Om Namah shivayah and it gives you peace.... Baba i do the same thing.. At that moment it does give some kind of distraction but after that? For how long?  the heartache of losing you..it kills baba.. not just hurts ! So many What if''s come to my mind... What if you were alive and shiva was doing law.... What if you were alive and then i got married, how would you deal with it? Is it hurting you as much as its hurting me? If only you could see shiva argue his case.. If only you could see me getting an MBA degree.. If only you could attend my wedding.. If only i could give you a hug....... If only i am given just another chance to see and talk to you..  .. If only ....
But your departure only left me more attached to amma, brothers, aamagarus and baba's.. I now know value of life.. value of relationships...... nothing, not even exams, classes nothing stands in the way of people and me baba....! I always think that i may not get this kind of time with any person again..... not even shiva jaya or anyone else.. what if one of us part ways tmmr? you must be seeing, i dont miss a single thing in brothers life.... Be it drinking, smoking, college.. watever.. I make sure i am there.. Probably baba, at the end of life, this is all matters..! I regret and always think i should spent more time with you.. i should have recorded your voice, i should have travelled more with you...! I should have done so many more things for you.. i have been a failure as a daughter baba.. and i shall not fail as a sister!

Love,
Bhargav

Venkat Rao Mama

baba, another wicket goes down.... Usha atta's son venkat rao mama passed away...... It is so scary baba..... Death in all its forms is scary... I do not know how we lived through the last year but whenever i think of a future and when i see u not being there physically, it kills..... Probably next year i may get married.... But baba How can i do that without you ???

What is written for jaya?

Baba, What is it that u want for jaya? line by line u r rejecting all of his petitions. We started with B.A Psychology and we came back to that right now. Do you think he will get through that?? Yesterday was Father's Day baba !!
Read this somewhere... Written by another daughter who lost her father

God saw you were getting tired,
And a cure was not meant to be,
So he put his arms around you,
And whispered 'Come to me'

With tearful eyes, we watched you,
And saw you pass away,
Although we loved you dearly,
We could not make you stay


A golden heart stopped beating,
Hard working hands at rest,
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only take the Best !! 





It is not fair baba !! Just not fair... You know all of us are trying to be like you in some way or the other..You see shiva, he is full on trying to be like you.. Jaya wants to grow a moustache because all of your juniors told him he looks like u..! I want to be that pillar u were for brothers... Teju is trying his best to do something out of his life.. All of us baba are stranded.. lost.... one more year for my job... 4 more years for shiva's settlement ..... 5 more years for Jaya.... 2 more years for teju..... And with all this, amma is also under huge pressure and none of us have time to get depressed.

Pls baba, decide something for jaya !! I m dependant on you to give him the best !

Love,
Bhargav

Jaya results !

Baba !! Jaya results are out.. And u know what this time he almsot touched 70% .... last time just for all clearing we celebrated like he passed some IPS exam... I missed u yesterday baba.......... I miss seeing your reactions to jaya's result...... Now u can just relax. Jaya has understood the importance of hard work and i am sure from here on, his career will be an upward graph...!! May be baba everything happens for own good.... Not that u leaving us did any good to us, but the jan 1st incident happened .. it was for our own good.. Jaya has been so guilty baba that now every small thing he does he shares with me..... I just hope i be a good friend and a sister to them like you were to me... I hope i get peace of mind and become as calm as u were !!! I hope they look upto me when in need !! Anyways your one year ceremony coming up... Cant believe baba its been an year and we actually survived it..... I really wish i get old fast n die fast :D I can see u soon !! i read it somewhere... once u die u always look for ur loved ones who were dead.... And i hope i find u !! And i m sure u mst have found bamagaru, jyothi atta, tatagaru....
ill find u soon baba...... very soon

I realized..

Baba i realized ive lost much more than a father.... ive lost my friend, philosopher and guide...... And thats a loss which can tear some one apart....

I dunno why baba but unconsciously the scenes from hospital ambulance ICU keeps flashing !! There are not good moments. i dont want to remember them.... in fact they are the ones i want to forget........... I dunno why each n every moment keeps flashing..... i guess ill b guilty for life for going out on my bday !!

Scene1:

Pooja on my bday..... Teju sits and finishes it..... I remember u telling me that watever worries u have u forget looking at me... And teju has got a glow on his face whn he wears that traditional dhoti...

Scene 2:

U lying on the sofa shivering waiting for me to go to doctor.. Refusing to go with teju or mom...

Scene 3:

U lying down in Ambulance and trying to breathe hard

Scene 4:

U lying on the bed in hospital and calling out "Bhargav, put me on ventilator..im losin it"

I remember the look we exchanged baba..... i remember the hint u gave me then... Very very clearly i remember !!!

Scene 5:

U in ICU....... i was soo scared and i entered.... i dint want you to see that i m scared.... i asked you how r u? *with a smile* and with all the equipment attached to yuo from everywhere u answered with so much enthu "Bhargav, i am absolutely fine" and a faint smile *This will haunt me for the rest of my life baba*

Scene 6:

When Doctor called us into his cabin adn tld us its over and they wudnt put ventilator and how i shd take care of mom and brothers and be strong

Scene 7:

When i got pedda baba into the ICU to see your dead body.. the time when pedda baba cud not stand on his two legs and needed my support......

Scene 8:

When i had to confront mom .... When your body was taken out from ICU

Scene 9:

When i got you back home alone for one last time......That one last time when i put hands in yours... And When your hands were all cold.....

Scene 10:

When i had to confront brothers reg ur death ...

Scene 11:

When your body was taken away for cremation....

These things baba will forever haunt me...... the guilt i live with willl never allow me to live peacefully.... i never cried baba..... not in the hospital .. not at home... not when ur body was taken away nor when i got it back home...... Never..... But though its almost been an year things happened........ the pain is as fresh as ever !!! I read somewhere about life after death.......it says that whenever u think of the dead persn with pain or grief their existence in the other world gets disturbed... no idea if thats true..... in that case i wud have never allowed u to be in peace there......!! Though i dont like that, i wish its true....... i wish u know the pain n grief i undergo here !! i may be selfish but i cannot deny the yearning i have for you !!

Love,

Bhargav

U must not miss this..

shiva: today was awesome got an standing ovation for my presentation from teacher and some students ..generally people take help of slides or summary of facts written in paper but i went empty handed and spoke about case given for 10 mins with year,date and even with judge names and their stand....after i completed ma'am stood up and was like did you see difference between his presentation and rest of you all...and was like it was pleasure watching him talk very fluently and spontaneously with the kind of body language he maintained and it is truly amazing to see first year student perform like this....this is what happen today...and what more is.

11:26 PM me: :)

shiva: more than half a class came up to me and said sexy it was ...one girl was like i am totally flattered seeing you and generally also you present well but today was best and generally i don listen to presentations but when yours i do it for sure i feel like and you should go to litigation you will succeed for sure etc etc

I am Sure u must have seen this....... I really hope he takes after you....!! I only feel like cryin. i dunno why... may be out of happiness or relief........... I dont want you to miss this ..!!!
Love,Bhargav

Company Law

Baba, i have this subject called company law.. whenever different examples of cases are given i get reminded of you..... I get reminded of all the dinners where you used to tel us about ur cases.. i get reminded of all those times where your juniors told me about how good u were cross examination. I want to hear more of you baba...... i repent not paying attention back then.. i want to hear your voice. I want to hear the acts from you.... i am sure u r tired of hearing this out from me..... i want you back.. i want you physically here this moment........... i want this whole 10 months to be a bad dream..... i will do watever u wanted me to do...... i will give my life instead to have you here... but i want you here !!

How i wish there was a court of settlement with god also...! He had absolutely no right over my property ....... How i wish sometimes i could punish him back.. The one sitting up there, does he even know the pain of death of a loved one? If he knew na baba, he would not have created the concept of death !!! he needs to know about it too..

by the ways there is this triology about shiva... Immortals of Meluha and Secret of Nagas.. It about lord shiva.. if u were here, u would have enjoyed reading that :( :(

u

And u promised me that u will read out mahabharata to me..... you will prepare daddojanam for me....... ALso u promised ul teach cooking.....!!!!

The one sitting there now needs to do something ......... he cant always keep throwing bad things at me..... He needs to do something !!!! Pls babaa, give him your piece of mind too...! He needs to make things good now... He has got no choice !!

Not to question Why, But to do and die..

baba, i dont have the guts to check what shiva jaya and teju are going through ....... As in i dont want to know what they felt and how they are trying to cope up with your loss.. I cannot be helpless..... i cannot stand the pain either..... i dont know why i want to relive the whole past, i want it back very badly... !! I want to take you to the doctor earlier...... i will not go out on my bday.......i would do so many things different....... Slowly u r fading away into the past baba....... i dont want that to happen. I want you to be here....... Very much here !!! i have resigned to my fate baba...... i have realized the more i thnk things are getting better, god makes it worse for me... wat else did i need in life baba.... i got an mba seat, u liked rohit., u guys were getting along well.. i remember last when both of us cooked when rohit had come home.... I remember you tellng him that u r trying to teach me cooking and by the time i get married u will definitely teach me cooking..... u have broken so mny promises..... why did have to happen with me only baba? i loved you and i did it with all my heart.. i never did anything wrong to anyone...then why this? what is the medicine for loss of urself.? i hate this uncertainity. I hate it when i dont know where yu are and how u r!

i dont know when i would rest forever.. But when i do, i promise..... ull b the first person i would look out for ..!!! Remember this , wherever u are, ull have to come down for me...... u only used to tell me, when i want something with all my heart and have immense determination, even fate and god wud bend for me........ And u have no choice .!! i want you with all my heart....... ill never ever give away ur memories to any one at any point !!! you will have to come .... you will come one day looking for me....... And il be right there !!

I am Very Scaredd

Baba, Suddenly i lost sleep...... I just cannot sleep.. I am scared of a future without you..~~ I Have lost the confidence that i can manage without you.... U must be seeing baba... Your Bday was the most difficult day for most of us...... First time ur Bday without you..... First time Shiva and jaya in different cities ...... Teju is completely broken down...... He cannot handle deaths anymore.. he is become very sensitive baba.... I am scared where i am neglecting him...... Apart from my MBA i talk to jaya every day.. Shiva almost every second day... Now making sure i talk to teju also everyday..... I keep in touch with rohit decently... Chinna aamagaru have been detected with cancer..... Now a days i talk to her recently..........Why is life so difficult baba? I keep thinking of those writings that i found.... U wrote something like i will not be attached to anyone much..... it seems impossible baba...... i am attached to brother and our family like hell...... matlab i only know how i am livin without u ...... All of us are keepin ourselves so busy that we do not have time to think about ourselves only.... But baba, somethin is not right...... And something is not going right..... I have not slept in like 5 days nw...... You have been seeing and am still not tired, instead i m super tensed..... Something somewhere is not going right...... Will you please make it right for me baba?? please!!

i need my peace of mind back

I need my peace of mind back baba.... i need u back!! i cannot go on and live like this ....... i cannot pretend like nothing happened........ i cannot take up the responsibility of brothers without ur support and guidance...... i need u .....!! i cannot be normal..... i cannot be balanced without u...... i realized baba.. u r my pillar........ things are not okay baba.... i m helpless in a lot of situations !! i cannot live without u ................. one split second i wanna end my life and come to you...... but i cant..... mom and brothers cant take another loss.!!! Why am i so stuck between u and brothers?? when will i ever find my peace of mind? whenever i think of u na baba...........i see only a happy and a smiling face of urs..... suddenly out of nowhere u flash in my mind....... i am sleepin readin.. in class... eatin.... anytime...... there is a crowd and in that crowd, u jus get up and smile at me..... i cannot forget u baba...... i cannot deny the fact that u existed in my life...... i cannot live with the fact that u r no longer there....!! I m so angry i could kill a person right now........and i have been angry for a long time now.......i am doing everything possible... keepin myself bsy... seein happy movies.... trying to be happy over small small things..... get back home as much as possible...... look at ur pics and only smile and not cry.!! Why is this happening to me baba? inspite of having everything i am not happy..... people long to have a life like mine... i shd be more than happy that i had u in my life.... i had a person who taught me to fight, live and be confident and love...!! i have 3 brothers who love me..... i have teju who is giving up his ddream to support me.... i have jaya n shiva who wud kill any1 i ask them to just at one wink or a nod.... i have mom who takes my decision to be over and above any one else....... but why am i not happy with this baba??????? I have rohti.. who is always taking my nonsense and stood by my ups and downs........ but still i am not happy....... i am living my dream.. i am not like others who could not do their education because their parents dint allow or got them married...... i am not dependant on ny1 else. i took care of my expenses......i am independant, confident and capable...... i am strong.. but i am not happy with my life baba......... i am not at peace with myself...... i am angry at god knows what..!! inspite of having so many good things in life. i m lonely.. i am lost.!!! What should be done abt this baba???????? Where are you????are u even listening to me????????????????????????????????????

Why do we have such phases in life baba? i am now kind of scared to write to you.!!

Baba

New year has begun and you know what a roller coaster ride it was !!

Last year same time things were so different baba !! The dream i was talking about last time, i am not able to forget it at all baba.. i sit in the exam hall, i close my eyes to remember an answer i see your face.!!

Dream!!

I dont know why i dreamt a younger you and Jaya baba.!! It was a dream where you were as fit as a horse.. u were not weak or suffering. Jaya was a small kid who just learnt how to walk types... ill write down the details of the dream later on baba.... but u looked so young and fit... its like when i saw you may be in my school time.....!! i hope wherever u r now, you are exactly like how i imagine you to be.!!

2012

2012, i really wish the world ends! I cant wait to see you or hear you !! I want to hear your voice and be called "Bhargav" the way u used to :( I really want to come to you !! See you and hug you !

I am scared baba , what if i fail you? what if i cannot get shiva and jaya on the right track?

i am very scared of living without you !!! u must have seen wat has happened....... i wondered how wud u tackle if u were here... or may be it wouldnt have happened if you were still with us !!

Life is very tough baba !! Help me !! Pls ! i have a feeling i am gonna lose it all...... the whole charm of life is going ! my only wish now is to be with you !!! Burning desire it is becoming :(