I realized..

Baba i realized ive lost much more than a father.... ive lost my friend, philosopher and guide...... And thats a loss which can tear some one apart....

I dunno why baba but unconsciously the scenes from hospital ambulance ICU keeps flashing !! There are not good moments. i dont want to remember them.... in fact they are the ones i want to forget........... I dunno why each n every moment keeps flashing..... i guess ill b guilty for life for going out on my bday !!

Scene1:

Pooja on my bday..... Teju sits and finishes it..... I remember u telling me that watever worries u have u forget looking at me... And teju has got a glow on his face whn he wears that traditional dhoti...

Scene 2:

U lying on the sofa shivering waiting for me to go to doctor.. Refusing to go with teju or mom...

Scene 3:

U lying down in Ambulance and trying to breathe hard

Scene 4:

U lying on the bed in hospital and calling out "Bhargav, put me on ventilator..im losin it"

I remember the look we exchanged baba..... i remember the hint u gave me then... Very very clearly i remember !!!

Scene 5:

U in ICU....... i was soo scared and i entered.... i dint want you to see that i m scared.... i asked you how r u? *with a smile* and with all the equipment attached to yuo from everywhere u answered with so much enthu "Bhargav, i am absolutely fine" and a faint smile *This will haunt me for the rest of my life baba*

Scene 6:

When Doctor called us into his cabin adn tld us its over and they wudnt put ventilator and how i shd take care of mom and brothers and be strong

Scene 7:

When i got pedda baba into the ICU to see your dead body.. the time when pedda baba cud not stand on his two legs and needed my support......

Scene 8:

When i had to confront mom .... When your body was taken out from ICU

Scene 9:

When i got you back home alone for one last time......That one last time when i put hands in yours... And When your hands were all cold.....

Scene 10:

When i had to confront brothers reg ur death ...

Scene 11:

When your body was taken away for cremation....

These things baba will forever haunt me...... the guilt i live with willl never allow me to live peacefully.... i never cried baba..... not in the hospital .. not at home... not when ur body was taken away nor when i got it back home...... Never..... But though its almost been an year things happened........ the pain is as fresh as ever !!! I read somewhere about life after death.......it says that whenever u think of the dead persn with pain or grief their existence in the other world gets disturbed... no idea if thats true..... in that case i wud have never allowed u to be in peace there......!! Though i dont like that, i wish its true....... i wish u know the pain n grief i undergo here !! i may be selfish but i cannot deny the yearning i have for you !!

Love,

Bhargav