i wish i could tell you i hate you..

Baba, the whole of the time i am here, i am only listening to the stories of you and me and your cases.... How a tiny little girl enters an office full of criminals and just a tiny little girl could make a senior lawyer dance to her tunes.!!

How u helped 200 families get a roof over their head without taking a single pie, How a old lady from sudarshan theatre found her son after 13 yrs... How you used to cross examine a commissioner of police and how that commissioner of police tried to kill you....

How you left your criminal practice just because your daughter has grown up and u cant take a risk for her.... and how much your practice went down once u stopped taking criminal cases... How full your office used to be.... How much people wanted to kill you and how much people loved you....

How u helped the pujaris at Venkateshwara temple on reopening the temple and how you sat outside the temple with an axe till the puja was done..! Oh baba, i just dont want to cry... i want to shout to you that i hate you for leaving me here and going... I cant help but accept that i love you and i love you like no one else can........ And i want you to hear me out..! Just once.....!

I was at pedda baba's place .... all i could do was, control my tears.. i could not stop looking at him and think about you... when stories about you were being told, i could only imagine you doing it...... i could imagine you laughing out loud after coming out from the court hall after your arguments with Judge Gowri. I can imagine you telling mom to run away with me if some one comes and threatens...i can imagine you putting chilli powder packets all over the house for our protection.. i can imagine you sitting outside the temple with an axe till the puja gets done....... i can imagine everythin that was being told to me..... And i cant help but cry inside that why did not i see more of you? i got just 24 yrs exact to be with you... sadly my birthday 2011 was the last where i had your blessings and you were witness to me growing up another year..! Well Give me the poise and the calm u possessed.! I need it more than ever in this trip !! :(

Sometimes i wish Some dreams come true.........

Baba, i dreamt that i am sitting inside and talking to friends and i hear you calling out for shiva,.. i run out to see and you are there and you are calling shiva and jaya back from their cricket games. I have seen you very clearly..... You were there and i could hear you....... i got up to touch you only to see that neither you nor shiva were here....... you already know its painful..... but baba i dont know if you are still into any pain but i am almost dying everyday of this pain...

I still Remember...

Baba i dont know why i got reminded of how you used to make me sit on your lap and allow me turn the steering when you drive... when i was a kid i remember how you used to teach me how to change gears and at your order, i used to change gears.!

Oh how i miss my childhood again......! Good Old Days na baba !!

I miss u dearly... You wouldnt even have an idea or imagine that i can love someone so much and still be strong after that loved one is gone..! I never knew i had this strength..... You be at peace wherever you are.! i am here to take over you :) Though i can never replace you or be remotely be like the way u were to brothers..... i am trying...!!

Baba, i got a dream, the day i had been to lonavla, i slept at 7 in the morning.. I dreamt that you were telling me that your sugar levels are going low. and i knew you were gonna die..... i just come and hug and you become a kid...... i am only sitting like that fr hours hugging and you and u just die...... Baba is it a sign that i have accepted your death or is it a way you are telling me to accept the death.. its still hurting like crazy baba. . . . i know you have also lived after losing your brother sister father and mother.. but werent you old enough to tolerate the pain then?

Shiva and Jaya are hardly 18..... And i dont even know at that age if i would be able to take the news like they did........! You and mom taught us well baba.. We are stil stable inspite of having a burning desire to see you again.....!!

You know after you left, Jaya did not want to believe you are gone.... he got a dream that he is sitting out and cleanin the bike and you get down from an auto and you ask him for money.. and he is shocked and everything else....! How do we console ourselves baba? You did not teach us to give into the destiny..... i want to fight.... i want you back !! i am more worried about jaya mom and teju.. they are the ones left back at home and they need more strength than anyone of us..! More than me and shiva.!!

Why is it that the yearning to see you only increases ? i am glad in a way.. i do not want to get used to living without you.. ! NEVER!

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come...

Baba, Again life is going on....! U know right yashaswy mama's death has shook me even more...... i thought i am incapable of seeing another death in our family after urs baba..... but well i managed decently well...i miss my old life very dearly....!! apart from that, last time i went to hyd, i met pedda baba, and he has slowly started forgetting people..... Age is taking its toll.. I am getting scared baba...... i want to fulfill your wish.... where kanyadaan will be done by pedda baba..... In my pursue of a career i am afraid i wont be able to do all this........ Life has taught me lessons in such hard ways, i am uncertain about living next moment..... Also, i do not know what i am doing is right or wrong... I miss u so dearly baba.... After a loong long loong time i told about your death to someone....... i lived those memories for a moment ........... off late i meditate.... whenever the ambulance and the ICU comes into picture i only meditate.......

Baba, i dont know from where but i now got the guts to stand up on my own and face life.... i will not give up... i will not stop until Jaya is happy and confident in his life......My whole reason for existence is gone if i dont make Jaya successful in life....... I will stand up and show the world, i am not weak... my father had taught me to be a fighter....... My Father has taught me to stand up on my own..... i will show that what you have taught me has not gone into a waste....!! Ill be the one who takes after you...!! I will give all the love brothers and mom needs.... Il be the support....... But i need you to be there around me..... I dont know if its true, but i believe you are watching me and helping me at every juncture..!! Please do not leave me, i still need you to show what you have taught me has not gone waste.!!

You must be there with him...

You must be there with yashashwi annaya ..... i went there........ and i am sure both of u must be seeing what has happened out there......!! Isnt it unfair? Vennela Akka asked me from where did you get the strength to take things...... You tell me baba...... Why did u give me no choice where i have to go on....... And while coming from there, saw an accident. it was a head injury.. looked like that person was dead already (God Forbid)... Whenever i see the ambulance or i see a person dying, Baba i dont pray to god to give his soul peace or give his family the strength.. i tell you.. take care of that person ani..... Do u hear me when i do that??? Are you there with those people??? Are you looking at me or listening to me??

Baba, i am super scared when it comes to Chinna baba and Peddda baba.!! i thnk rohit and manasa are here.. ill write to u in detail on what happened in this Hyd trip.. it just made me realize ki i need to hurry up in getting married.!! i want them to be there for my wedding!

Surprise!

Baba, i am going home tomm, Mom called and she was soo happy and excited abt me coming.. She was like she has a suprise in store for me.. i was only thinking, when i come back home day after and if i see u waiting in the first room for me........ Oh! i would give away my life just to live that one moment in life.....! that one moment where you are waiting for me at home.! If only life would give me another chance.........