I Want to be heard !!

off late i realized i crave to write to you.... On this blog i do not want to write for anyone or anything else.... There are good things happening too baba.. But when i come to write to you, it just boils down to one thing that you are not there for me physically.... i dont know if you are watching me from somewhere or What happened to you after you are gone........ But well Baba there are a lot of instances where i think i should have told this to you when you were there.......... Firstly, Thank you for everything.. Thank you for trusting me totally., Now when i see other parents i realize how much you have loved me and trusted me..! Thank you for hearing me out at every juncture of my life.. I am proud of the way you have brought me up.. I am tough, mature and independant.. Most Importantly Independant... At every juncture you have helped me take my own decisions ......

You have not given me any false pretences about how things work at home....! You made me realize the impact of my decision at every juncture except joining my MBA.. Baba pls come back..! I need You ! The more i write to you, the more i want to be connected to you.. I want to be heard !!!!

Commitment.!

Baba, Amma wants to get my engagement done asap... She is scared. Before something happens to her, she wants me to be settled.... totally understandable.... I keep wondering baba, what will happen if something would happen to amma also..... And I dont want to get married without u.... i still remember the day u told me that u would not be anywhere around when i would be going off after marriage.... Baba i did not know you not being around would be like this....... You remember? i used to tell you ill not go without seeing you and making sure you are alright! How do i do that now??? How do i make sure you are alright to be gone?? I dont want to get married or get into any commitment.... Please help me in this :(

Random Thought!

Baba, i have been following Hurricane Irene from yesterday night, i dont why i remember both of us sitting n watching Japan earthquake and tsunami together.. i watched that japan waala video again only thinking of both of us sitting in TV room munching something and talking abt Japan. I miss you ! And as i write this i fight back my tears !! None of my frds here know what i am going thru... not only the frds here.. i laugh n talk but inside im dying !! I want u ! And this want cannot be sufficed by anything else....! Im livin with a terrible guilt conscious..!! :( i should have insisted on admitting you to the hospital..... You knew and u did not want to get admitted right?????

Memories !

Baba they say you have to move on with life being glad that u have got good memories to think of.. When i have good memories about you, shouldnt i smile and be glad that you are my dad and move on? Why do i always have tears in my eyes baba when i think of you? Why do i still want more? What am i never satisfied with what i had with you...... I still want more and more of you..!! Everything still rings in my ears....... Your last words,,... Saying i am absolutely alright, Dont worry ani... I so wish that was true.. I so wish things changed that night and you were back home talking. .. i wish so many things..... help me get into the reality.. I am scared baba.. how would we go on without u??

Future!

Future Holds no charm Baba !! I am totally scared of it right now ... I wish u were there.... I wish i could tell you what i m going thru.. Did i talk about that hole baba... its just getting bigger and painful.. Feels like its mocking at me.. Feels like its letting its presence known to me every minute..!! It keeps telling me, No matter what, you dont have your father anymore And u cant do anything about it.. What do i do about it baba?

Where are you?? You promised to be there whenever i need you..!! I need you more than ever right now...! Where are you? Why cant i feel you around??

Eyes on Fire.!

Baba, Teju came and left.. I did not have any track of the time...Days just went by.... I guess i am becoming a rock day by day..... nothing is affecting me except your absence....... i got no emotions...... With u, u took a part of me away..And i am not complete without that part..... And well You know you are not alone !! Wherever you are, i am still with you..!!

:(

Why does everything boil down to that one thing, That the person i want the most is missing....

It is exactly 3 months... And i refuse to believe i survived through this... because i used to remember thinking that life would end for me when when your existence would end..

You did not prepare me enough..! I am not yet ready to let you go... Or probably il never be.

the memories of our last ride in the ambulance are still very fresh..... i fail to understand the karma of life..... You are not supposed to be gone or i am not supposed to be here after ur gone.!!

Need no help from u.. i need u and nothing else can replace that need..! Please Come Back. Just one last word i need to have with you.. please

Baba...

I dont know why, i see u in jaya..... Anyone telling even one word to him is not tolerable for me.. may be i am over protective or may be i am being stupid... But well yeah teju or amma scolding him i dont like.... Please help him baba...... He needs u more than ever now. With u gone, me and shiva also gone..... He needs one of us to lend a shoulder to cry on... U shdnt have left us.. U know that right?

Lost!

Feels Lost in this big bad world without you.. I miss u at every step... I miss your advice on how to deal with brothers...... I miss u missing me at home..!! Please Come back into my life.. dont leave me alone.... I cant live without u.... i need your hand to guide me and I need you to live... I miss your voice and I miss u calling me Bhargav.... I Miss u irritating me.. I miss stopping you from eating ice creams....... I miss driving you around..... I miss everything baba ! Of all i Miss u !

P.S: Hole is getting bigger and painful. :(

MUSIC

MUSIC they say soothes the soul.. well hell yeah it does, but it does not heal the wounds, it does not make you forget what u dont want to remember. To this day i feel guilty of going out on my Bday.. I should have been there Baba .. !!

Baba !

feels the a hole is being burnt in the heart and its only getting bigger and bigger..! every moment i smile, i laugh, i cry you are on my mind.. Please give me the Strength to survive in your absence !! :(