i need my peace of mind back

I need my peace of mind back baba.... i need u back!! i cannot go on and live like this ....... i cannot pretend like nothing happened........ i cannot take up the responsibility of brothers without ur support and guidance...... i need u .....!! i cannot be normal..... i cannot be balanced without u...... i realized baba.. u r my pillar........ things are not okay baba.... i m helpless in a lot of situations !! i cannot live without u ................. one split second i wanna end my life and come to you...... but i cant..... mom and brothers cant take another loss.!!! Why am i so stuck between u and brothers?? when will i ever find my peace of mind? whenever i think of u na baba...........i see only a happy and a smiling face of urs..... suddenly out of nowhere u flash in my mind....... i am sleepin readin.. in class... eatin.... anytime...... there is a crowd and in that crowd, u jus get up and smile at me..... i cannot forget u baba...... i cannot deny the fact that u existed in my life...... i cannot live with the fact that u r no longer there....!! I m so angry i could kill a person right now........and i have been angry for a long time now.......i am doing everything possible... keepin myself bsy... seein happy movies.... trying to be happy over small small things..... get back home as much as possible...... look at ur pics and only smile and not cry.!! Why is this happening to me baba? inspite of having everything i am not happy..... people long to have a life like mine... i shd be more than happy that i had u in my life.... i had a person who taught me to fight, live and be confident and love...!! i have 3 brothers who love me..... i have teju who is giving up his ddream to support me.... i have jaya n shiva who wud kill any1 i ask them to just at one wink or a nod.... i have mom who takes my decision to be over and above any one else....... but why am i not happy with this baba??????? I have rohti.. who is always taking my nonsense and stood by my ups and downs........ but still i am not happy....... i am living my dream.. i am not like others who could not do their education because their parents dint allow or got them married...... i am not dependant on ny1 else. i took care of my expenses......i am independant, confident and capable...... i am strong.. but i am not happy with my life baba......... i am not at peace with myself...... i am angry at god knows what..!! inspite of having so many good things in life. i m lonely.. i am lost.!!! What should be done abt this baba???????? Where are you????are u even listening to me????????????????????????????????????

Why do we have such phases in life baba? i am now kind of scared to write to you.!!