Dear Baba

Dear Baba,
What is happening with me? why am i always pulled between two directions.... Would there ever be peace in my life? i do try to search for it a lot baba... it just does not come to me.....! Everything has to be difficult for me, Why? Doing an MBA meant losing you........ Now what would gettng a job mean? All the words you told me baba still echo..... i shd have heeded to ur advice.. Pls come back once for me and tell me what to do now! I dint think this would happen baba.... right now i am scared...... meeru annadi nijangaane ayite ela ani! i feel that i have let u down big time! you have given me a responsibility and i have let u down ! i am tired fighting with life baba.....i am tired of tryn to be happy! i am not....... i am away from home for what reason i dont know..... i thought doing an MBA would give me a better life, it would equip me to handle all the financial hurdles that would come in the future! But its takin more than what it is givng me..... !!
 wht am i doing here i still dunno....!! I feel like giving up everything and run back home...... run back to you........ i sometimes think i have suicidal tendencies... i do not wanna b here without you....!! But at the same time i know that brothers are very much to be taken care of .......where have u left me baba...... Why did u do this?

If this is the price i pay for it, So be it!

:( 

Whats written for me now?

Baba, this is one of the toughest times i am facing. Definitely nothing tougher than surviving your death. But this uncertainity, fear of unknown and fear a bleak future is eating me off. Fear of not living upto the expectations also is killing me! Please baba, send a solution fast! Please! You have got me till here, Please take me through this also without much pain !

Baba..

How i wish you were there... How i wish you visited me at Mumbai....! Today mom was asking me what would i do if you came to Mumbai.. probably baba i would not leave you at all..... i would pick you up from airport, come to court and be there all the time with you.. Mee gundelu meeda kaalu petti leka mee meesalu peeke enni rojulu ayyindi baba ! Everyone knows how close i am and everyone thinks i am very strong baba.. Except you and me for now, no one knows..... No one knows what it is to live like this.. Living is something you also dont know now ! you did not have to live long without your mom and dad baba..! i do the same things u used to do... U told me once, whenever you get reminded of your mom, u meditate.. u say Om Namah shivayah and it gives you peace.... Baba i do the same thing.. At that moment it does give some kind of distraction but after that? For how long?  the heartache of losing you..it kills baba.. not just hurts ! So many What if''s come to my mind... What if you were alive and shiva was doing law.... What if you were alive and then i got married, how would you deal with it? Is it hurting you as much as its hurting me? If only you could see shiva argue his case.. If only you could see me getting an MBA degree.. If only you could attend my wedding.. If only i could give you a hug....... If only i am given just another chance to see and talk to you..  .. If only ....
But your departure only left me more attached to amma, brothers, aamagarus and baba's.. I now know value of life.. value of relationships...... nothing, not even exams, classes nothing stands in the way of people and me baba....! I always think that i may not get this kind of time with any person again..... not even shiva jaya or anyone else.. what if one of us part ways tmmr? you must be seeing, i dont miss a single thing in brothers life.... Be it drinking, smoking, college.. watever.. I make sure i am there.. Probably baba, at the end of life, this is all matters..! I regret and always think i should spent more time with you.. i should have recorded your voice, i should have travelled more with you...! I should have done so many more things for you.. i have been a failure as a daughter baba.. and i shall not fail as a sister!

Love,
Bhargav

Venkat Rao Mama

baba, another wicket goes down.... Usha atta's son venkat rao mama passed away...... It is so scary baba..... Death in all its forms is scary... I do not know how we lived through the last year but whenever i think of a future and when i see u not being there physically, it kills..... Probably next year i may get married.... But baba How can i do that without you ???

What is written for jaya?

Baba, What is it that u want for jaya? line by line u r rejecting all of his petitions. We started with B.A Psychology and we came back to that right now. Do you think he will get through that?? Yesterday was Father's Day baba !!
Read this somewhere... Written by another daughter who lost her father

God saw you were getting tired,
And a cure was not meant to be,
So he put his arms around you,
And whispered 'Come to me'

With tearful eyes, we watched you,
And saw you pass away,
Although we loved you dearly,
We could not make you stay


A golden heart stopped beating,
Hard working hands at rest,
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only take the Best !! 





It is not fair baba !! Just not fair... You know all of us are trying to be like you in some way or the other..You see shiva, he is full on trying to be like you.. Jaya wants to grow a moustache because all of your juniors told him he looks like u..! I want to be that pillar u were for brothers... Teju is trying his best to do something out of his life.. All of us baba are stranded.. lost.... one more year for my job... 4 more years for shiva's settlement ..... 5 more years for Jaya.... 2 more years for teju..... And with all this, amma is also under huge pressure and none of us have time to get depressed.

Pls baba, decide something for jaya !! I m dependant on you to give him the best !

Love,
Bhargav

Jaya results !

Baba !! Jaya results are out.. And u know what this time he almsot touched 70% .... last time just for all clearing we celebrated like he passed some IPS exam... I missed u yesterday baba.......... I miss seeing your reactions to jaya's result...... Now u can just relax. Jaya has understood the importance of hard work and i am sure from here on, his career will be an upward graph...!! May be baba everything happens for own good.... Not that u leaving us did any good to us, but the jan 1st incident happened .. it was for our own good.. Jaya has been so guilty baba that now every small thing he does he shares with me..... I just hope i be a good friend and a sister to them like you were to me... I hope i get peace of mind and become as calm as u were !!! I hope they look upto me when in need !! Anyways your one year ceremony coming up... Cant believe baba its been an year and we actually survived it..... I really wish i get old fast n die fast :D I can see u soon !! i read it somewhere... once u die u always look for ur loved ones who were dead.... And i hope i find u !! And i m sure u mst have found bamagaru, jyothi atta, tatagaru....
ill find u soon baba...... very soon